Friday, September 24, 2010

Existential musings from the seat of a bicycle

I passed a Coroner's van on the bike ride to work this morning. Normally, on bicycle, I am acutely aware of my own mortality. The presence of the Coroner did not diminish this any.

I'm not sure it's accurate to say that I fear death necessarily. I have accepted it as inevitable, a consequence of living, and I price I must pay for the privilege of existing here. I certainly respect death's power and, at present, am in no hurry to experience it. I enjoy living. I enjoy my life. I like it here. Job, in his suffering, longed for death as an end to his pain, both physical and spiritual. I accept that some day, on balance, death may feel preferable to life. There are some pains that are so great you don't know how you can survive them or why you would want to. I am not in that place now. I am here now and happy to be so. There's no sense dreading some future suffering. I can only live in the present. That's the blessing and the curse of time. I've only got access to now. The past exists only in memories that have been tainted, degrade and corrupted by my own biases and the passage of time. The future exists only as speculation. All I've got is right now.

It is difficult to believe in the life, teachings, death, and resurrection of Jesus without having some belief in eternity. I don't necessarily belief that belief in God demands belief in eternity, or the human participation in it. I certainly, as a mortal, don't have a firm grasp on the concept of eternity. I believe in the possibility, even the probability of life after death. Paul states in Romans 8 that he is convinced that not even death can separate us from the love of God. I may not "know" this in an academic sense, but I too am convinced. I just have no real concept of what life after death, if it makes sense to call it life at all, looks like. What does, in its own way, make sense to me is the absence of time in eternity.

Time, to the mortal, is an oppressive force. At least it is to me. As I age I feel it passing by more quickly, tainting my enjoyment of every precious moment. Time declares the presence of mortality. It says, in every enjoyable moment, that this cannot last. Maybe in suffering time would be considered a friend. Unfortunately time is not experienced as constant, but seems to pass quickly in pleasurable moments but slowly in pain causing you to experience that pain far longer than you experience joy. Eternal existence with the presence of time doesn't feel like an existence I want any part of. Even absent mortality could you imagine how boring it would be to exist in time interminably? Talk about getting into a rut! No thanks, time.

Maybe I'm not thinking this through well enough. I'm not God. Maybe time is necessary and without it existence would be too chaotic for us to process in any kind of meaningful way. Thank God these decisions on how to run eternity are not up to me!

In dealing with concepts of eternity we have to deal with our concepts of heaven and hell. Hell as a place of eternal torment created by God to punish infinitely those who did not make the correct choices in this finite life doesn't make a lot of sense to me. The punishment doesn't fit the crime. If you believe in a fair and just God it becomes very difficult to account for hell in the way we traditionally describe it. Heaven as a family reunion in the sky has a nice appeal to it but it I have a hard time with that, as well. I don't dispute the possibility that heaven is what we hope for as a continuation of all of the good and none of the bad things from this life into the next. If it is, though, why not just start there? Why exist here at all? Why would God create a world with suffering in it, test us all in that world, and the if we pass promote us to a much better one? This is a loving God? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Job, in his suffering, experienced what I think of as hell. He experienced a very real absence of God in his life. Where he once had a good relationship with God that relationship was fractured and he longed for its repair. To me that it hell. It is readily available in this life. We don't need to go looking into the next for it. The reconciliation with God and restoration of his relationship with God was heaven. His understanding of God and the universe and his place within it changed, he accepted things as they were and was relieved of his suffering. He felt the presence of God in his life once again. The material blessings that followed were a bonus.

I don't know that it makes sense to look for heaven and hell in eternity when both are right here. I trust God with eternity and our place, if any in it. I believe the roll of Christians is to find those that are in hell now and bring them into heaven. The help alleviate physical, mental, and spiritual anguish and restore relationships with God. What the consequences of this in eternity are is solely up to God.

That I believe any of this now doesn't mean I'm right. There's so much I need to learn. There's so much I don't understand. I think that goes for all of us. I just wanted to share a little bit about what I was thinking. I'm just rambling here and I apologize for that, but I'm trying to refine my thoughts on the matter. Thank you for enduring this.

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